Its Wednesday, which means its time to get whats been eating at you off your chest in another edition of .
Now that its summer, more and more people will be going outside⦠unless, of course, its dangerously hot like it has been in parts of the country, in which case, maybe stay inside.
And when youre outside, your chances of encountering wild animals go up exponentially.
Ive always been fascinated by the animal kingdom, but its a part of the natural world that is far from gripe-proof.
So, I decided to put together a few animal-related gripes so we could give some of the most frustrating fauna its due.
Ive got no problem with dolphins. I swam with them once, and they were cool to me.
One even pulled me around a lagoon like a Jet Ski with a blowhole.
Im just tired of everyone telling me how smart dolphins are when obvious things are holding them back from realizing their full potential.
Thats all Im saying.
BOY STUMBLES ON STRANGE BEACH OBJECT IDENTIFIED AS RARE 1.8M-YEAR-OLD FOSSIL
The first thing I always point out when someone tells me what eggheads dolphins are is what smart animal would breathe air and decide, “Yeah, Im going to post up in the water for my entire life.”
My French bulldog isnt going to be writing any thesis papers, but he understands that you cant breathe in water.
Also, while theyve shown they know how to smash crabs open with rocks, I feel like intelligence is only good if you can apply it, and its hard to apply it without hands.
That might be the thing holding dolphins back the most.
So, I guess if were talking water-dwelling mammals without hands, theyre like Einstein, Stephen Hawking, and Edison rolled into one⦠if they lived underwater and had no hands, of course.
Just last week, I woke up to my wife on her hands and knees sweeping something by the front door.
“Welp. Theyre back,” she said.
“Aw, man; not poltergeists!” I said.
“No, ants.”
“Oh⦠thats bad too.”
We live in the bright, sunny free state of Florida, and when we get into the summer months, it doesnt just become surface-of-the-sun hot; ants decide to saunter inside and cool off.
In fact, just a couple of weeks earlier we had been remarking how well the guy we pay to make sure this very thing doesnt happen had done⦠then it became ant season yet again.
I understand the humble ants place in the ecosystem (although Im still unclear on the fire ants place, unless its to bite my feet while I take the dog out to pee, in which case, I get it). I just dont like that they want to come in my house.
Im not just anti-insect either. Im anti-any animal that wants to come in my house.
There are few things I hate more than having to try to catch small lizards inside by hitting them off the ceiling with a broom and then trapping them under a Ziploc container.
Fortunately, after filling a small crack near the front door and calling our exterminator, we havent seen any ants⦠of course, Im sure they’re just plotting their next move as we speak.
I think Ive mentioned it before, but for my entire life, Ive suffered from ornithophobia, or, to the layperson, the fear of birds.
If its got feathers, a sharp beak, beady eyes, and creepy, spindly legs, then I steer well clear.
But a subsection of birds I cant stand are the ones that can talk.
First of all, its creepy as hell. Maybe it wouldnt be if more animals had it in their bag of tricks, but my skin crawls whenever a parrot starts getting chatty.
I also dont like that, despite this chattine
